A play party is usually a private event,
given by someone in their home. They
are often held after another more public
event, such as a munch. Please remember
that there is no guarantee that there
will be a party after any event, or that
you will be invited if there is. Some
people are very generous in opening
their homes to others, but never assume
that you have an invitation unless you
have specifically been invited. If
someone says openly, "I'm having people
over to my house, all of you are
invited," that constitutes an
invitation. If you overhear someone
saying, "John is having people over
later," that does not. If you do
overhear that comment, it's
inappropriate to either ask the person
on whom you've eavesdropped or John
himself about it. If you are meant to
be invited, someone will let you know.
If you DO have an invitation, remember
the rules of politeness your mother
hopefully taught you in first grade
about birthday parties. It is not your
party; you may not invite others without
the express prior permission of the
host. If you were invited, it likely
includes your constant companion, but it
does not necessarily include the nice
person who sat with you. If it seems to
be a large gathering, you may ask the
host if they can accompany you, but do
so before you mention it to them. If
the answer is no, accept it pleasantly
and without comment. Unless you know
without question that the person you're
speaking to is also invited, don't
mention it. Don't mention it within
earshot of others, not because you're
trying to keep things anyone, but
because it's rude.
Remember, too, the rest of the rules
that your mother hopefully taught you.
You're in someone's home, treat it
respectfully. Thank them for the
invitation. Behave in a way that is
likely to get you invited back. If you
do bring someone with you, you are
responsible for his or her actions.
Overindulgence in alcohol or any other
substance is inappropriate. Notice I
said, "overindulgence." Having a glass
or two of wine is one thing, drinking to
a point of inebriation is another. If
you're unsure of how to behave, watch
those around you. Model your behavior
after those whom you admire and you're
unlikely to go wrong.
If you're fairly new to the community,
too, bear in mind that many in the
community have had parties over the
years, had open houses, have done their
share already. They would almost
certainly be glad to have new people
open their homes as well. Don't feel as
though you'd be presumptuous by having a
party of your own, though it's often a
good idea to sound it out to those who
are active in the community. If you've
never hosted a party yourself, don't
complain when there aren't parties
available to suit you. If you think
there should be parties, be the one who
opens your home. Doing that a few times
will make you appreciate the effort
involved in doing so.
When I take anyone new to a play party, I tell them precisely what is
expected and allowed, and what is not.
I tell them that nudity is likely and
that, while respectful admiration from a
polite distance is fine, drooling is
not. By and large, complimenting the
Top on their submissive is usually
safe. One does not say, "Your sub has a
great ass," one says, "You have such a
lovely submissive." I make it clear
that they are not to touch anything that
does not belong to them, whether it's a
thing or a person,
without express permission. If you
really want to look at those earrings in
the light, ask the Top in the
relationship if you may touch them, or
get close enough for a good look. If
the person is wearing the earrings is
unaccompanied, ask them directly. If
the answer is, "I'm sorry, my
Master/Mistress doesn't allow that,"
accept the information courteously and
go on.
Again, don't assume that simply because
a person identifies as a submissive,
that they are submissive to you unless
you have that express relationship and
agreement with them. It is
inappropriate to expect anyone else to
wait on you or defer to you in any way
other than what normal courtesy
demands. While you may be a Master, you
are not master of all you survey. You
will garner much more respect by
behaving courteously and pleasantly to
everyone, regardless of their gender or
identification within the community. It
is perfectly acceptable, however, to
allow someone to get you something if
they offer.
It's called a play party because you are likely to see people playing.
By and large, those of us who play in
public do so because we enjoy it. We
are exhibitionists as well as voyeurs.
If people are playing, you may watch.
You may plop yourself down on the couch,
in fact, and watch with rapt attention,
and not be considered rude. You will be
considered rude if you
interrupt the scene except in case of
emergency ("Pardon me, the house is on
fire."). Don't talk to the people in
the scene unless they speak to you
first. Don't talk loudly to your
companions. As a guide, behave as
though you're watching a performance at
a theatre. It's appropriate to lean to
the person sitting beside you and
whisper something in his or her ear, but
it's inappropriate to speak to the
actors and/or disturb the performance.
If you need to leave the room, do so
quietly and wait for a break in the
action, if possible. If people seem to
want privacy, if they've retreated to a
private area, if they've closed a door,
don't intrude. Sexual acts may or may
not occur around you or in front of
you. Before participating in them
yourself
with your partner, make sure you know
what the house rules are.
There are usually separate areas at a
party for socializing and for playing.
Please respect those segregations.
Don't chatter with your best friend in
the play area while others are playing,
don't decide that the buffet table is
precisely the right height for a
spanking bench. If you're a newcomer,
it's usually a nice courtesy to ask the
host before using equipment. Smoking of
cigarettes is usually allowed only
outside at most parties. Check with the
host if you're unsure, but be prepared
for that response.
As you enter a community, too, bear in
mind that many of the people around you
may have known each other a long time,
may have played together, and may have
shared intimacies of which you are
unaware. There are likely a number of
relationship and power dynamics you
don't recognize that nonetheless exist.
The people you meet may seem to you, as
a newcomer, to be very
physically intimate with each other, or
very casual about physical contact or
nudity, particularly when compared to
vanilla groups. That is usually an
inaccurate perception. Simply because I
might be welcome to hug that cute little
female submissive, don't assume that you
are. Because I have her Master's
permission to see her new piercing does
not mean you do, too.
Perhaps I have her Master's permission
because I have known them for a period
of time, perhaps I knew the submissive
before the Master himself did, perhaps
that submissive is sometimes submissive
to me as well. Simply because that
person may hug me, don't assume that
they are comfortable hugging you, too.
Allow people to become comfortable
around you, recognize
that you are a newcomer in an existing
community which already has a number of
complicated relationships in place.
What you see at parties is a private
matter among those who were there, as is
the identity of others within the
community. It is inappropriate to
discuss the party in front of others who
were not invited, it is inappropriate to
disclose what you may know about those
who either attended or hosted it. A
trust in your ability to be
confidential, to be discreet in terms of
what you may see or hear or know will
also go a long way towards your
acceptance within a community.
If you're unsure what is appropriate at
a party, ask. Ask the host of the
party, ask someone whom you respect in
the community, ask the person(s)
involved. And ask before you commit the
faux pas that gives you a reputation as
a wannabe or a jerk or a bitch.
Reputations can be hard to shake. If
you do something that you realize was
inappropriate, apologize. The only
apology which ever hurts one's
reputation is the one that was owed but
not spoken or acknowledged.
Mistress Constance, copyright 2001.
