Tips on Finding a RT Dom/Domme
An Article by CuffDom

First let me share with you a couple of thoughts... these are important. This article is in response to a very common question I,  and other RT (real-time) scene people encounter online from novice subs, both male and female. That question is;

"How do I find a RT Dom/Domme for me?"

I will not attempt to address any other issue here - just a few tips that I give to new submissive persons, and that most (but not all) lifestyle Doms/Dommes I know agree with. Which reminds me of the most important notation I can make here: The suggestions presented here are my suggestions only! I hope by now you understand that the leather culture has as many different styles, methods, sub-cultures, fetishes, types, etc. as there are people in it.

 

Some of these tips revolve around the Dom's/Domme's sense of etiquette. Etiquette is fluid! It depends greatly upon the circumstances of when, where, and who. Two RT scene people may apply very different etiquette rules - even in the same situation.

Consider the comparison between Old Guard D/s vs "new age" D/s. Bottom line - take this with a grain of salt. I believe these tips are valuable - but others will disagree with me, as it's a subjective topic. That is ok too. One of the coolest characteristics of RT D/s is the respect for differences in style.
 

Secondly, I hope this is not the first item you've read about D/s...if it is, please learn about the lifestyle in general first before looking for someone to dominate you. There are numerous books which I will not even attempt to list here - there are lists available. There are also other informational articles/essays (text files) available written on very targeted subjects - look for them. Understanding is possible only after acquiring knowledge.

Now some tips...

1. Online Doms/Dommes may not be real.

Ewwww...that one hurts. However, if you ask around ,it's not hard to find a sub who got burned. There are RT D/s people online AND there are (what I call) cyber D/s people online. To each his/her own.

Each has its merits depending on the individual. Everyone has their thing, and I'm certainly not bashing the cyber people. Keep in mind, however, that people can misrepresent themselves online quite easily, and some will ... on purpose.

Suggestion: Unless you know the person RT, or a RT friend has vouched for him/her, take what they say with a grain of salt.

2. Network RT if possible.

I believe the best way to meet people for a RT relationship is in the RT scene. Simple enough. This means seek out BDSM support groups, munches, clubs and the like. Participate, learn and make friends.
 

These people have similar interests as you - where better to find a partner or to get first hand knowledge about D/s? Scary thought for some single subs. If you know a scene-friendly vanilla friend, ask them to go with you. If you know a Dom/Domme ask (respectfully) for them to take you under their protection for the night (make it clear that your intent is to "check out the club").

Lots of D/s relationships are matchmade ie. "I know a sub who you may be interested in..."

Suggestion: If you can get into the RT scene, do so.

3. Beware the "pushy" Dom/Domme.

Don't panic if the Dom/Domme wants to play with you, or invites you to play. This is NOT what I'm warning you about.

It's the ones who are trying to convince you to play with them when you're being hesitant or not interested. In my opinion these Doms/Dommes are not respecting your interests or needs. They may not respect other things like your limits or your safeword.

Trust is a cornerstone of D/s. One of the more important roles a Dom/Domme can play for a new sub is that of a guide. A guide to assist you in the exploration of your submissiveness. Pushy isn't included.

Suggestion: If a Dom/Domme approaches you for play, and you don't want to play with him/her, respectfully and politely decline with something like, "Thank you Sir (or Mistress), I am flattered that you would want to play with me, but I don't feel that I am up to it now" or "Thank you Mistress (or Sir), but I am not up to it at the moment."

4. Beware the negotiation-shy Dom/Domme

This one is similar to the "pushy" Dom/Domme. These are Doms/Dommes who are not really keen on negotiating with subs before playing.
 

Negotiation is seen by them as sort of a necessary evil. They will shrug it off or take it lightly. Conversely, a responsible Dom/Domme will not only want to negotiate, but will insist on it before playing. How else are limits established, trusts built, safewords established, and medical concerns/problems known - not to mention expectations and desires.

Suggestion: Insist on negotiating before playing, especially with someone new.

5. Your submission is a gift, you decide who and when to give it.

This one should be a given, but I've seen many a sub, who, in trying to fulfill their role as a submissive, feels it necessary to be sub to any person who walks up to them calling themselves a Top.
 

Submission is a gift - treat it as such. You decide who and when to give that gift to. This does not mean to not be respectful. There is a BIG difference, and you know it. There are some circumstances where everyone may be expected to be in strict roles, but you should be made aware of this ahead of time. Obviously, once you're taken, collared, or whatever it may be called, the rules may change according to what your Dominant desires of you.

Suggestion: Remember you are your own person and have free will, until you decide when, how and to whom you surrender it.

6. The majority of sub "training" does not involve S/M play.

The term "training" is NOT synonymous with S/M play. Wow ... it seems like the terms (at least online) are relatively interchangeable. They

are not. In my opinion, the majority of D/s "training" is mental.

It involves scene etiquette, respect, terminology, D/s traditions and customs, trust building, and particular rules and tasks desired by your Dominant. Mental training could also include pursuing your knowledge of yourself and your own potential.

Do keep in mind that physical stimulation (ie S/M or bondage) are frequently used tools to reinforce the mental learning process - but the mental training is the object.

Suggestion: Watch out for Doms/Dommes who only talk about S/M play in reference to "training" without talking about the mental aspects.

7. Relax for that first RT meeting

Again, be courteous and respectful, but consider using the first RT meeting as a get-acquainted time. Try to get to know the Dom/Domme a bit better. Get a feeling for him/her.

This is the time to start building that all important trust and mutual respect. There is no

rule that says you must play the first time you meet.

Suggestion: Relax, have fun and use the opportunity to get to know that potential

RT Dominant.

Everyone has different needs, desires, limits, expectations and kinks. Know it, understand it, and respect it. My hope is for all of us to reach our individual potential, whatever safe, sane and

consentual direction it may take us.

Good luck and enjoy !